


There Is a Light That Never Goes Out

by The_girl_with_Sunflower_hair



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Baby Gay Kara Danvers, Bullying, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Hurt Alex Danvers, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara Danvers-centric, Pansexual Badass Lena Luthor, References to Addiction, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, but there will be fluff too, more angst I am sorry guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2020-11-09 07:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20849738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_girl_with_Sunflower_hair/pseuds/The_girl_with_Sunflower_hair
Summary: "Dear Alex,I know you're probably too busy to see this, but they said it'd help if I tried letting out the words that got stuck in my throat since it happened, so I've decided to write to you. Because out of everyone I know, you're the only one I truly trust to know about my weird and confusing thoughts, about the truths I’ve managed to hide from everyone."ORThe High School AU where a young and naive Kara has to figure out some hard truths while dealing with a recent tragic loss.  She relies on her mighty pen to put in writing all her experiences at the new school, as she navigates heartbreak, parties, cool kids, and a whole new world of firsts. Oh, there's also the matter of a certain pair of emerald eyes that seem to always be around.





	1. Friday

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So, I'm new here and super scared to post my work BUT I decided to give it a shot. This story is composed entirely through letters from Kara's POV and it is inspired by the song that's in the title, from The Smiths. There's going to be plenty of other song references here, so I should also post lyrics for you to feel the vibe in each chapter more thoroughly if you wish to. 
> 
> This is a slow start, nothing big happens much, but things will soon start taking off, I promise, just bear with me. Alright, I'm gonna stop talking (typing?) so you can read it. I appreciate you for being here.

Dear Alex,

I know you're probably too busy to see this, but they said it'd help if I tried letting out the words that got stuck in my throat since it happened, so I've decided to write to you. Because out of everyone I know, you're the only one I truly trust to know about my weird and confusing thoughts, about the truths I’ve managed to hide from everyone.

The truth about that day and the ones that came after that. I know you won't judge me, because you understand it too. After all, you did the same things.

I don't really know how to start this, should I introduce myself? Well, not really since you're my sister. Stupid Kara. Okay, sorry, Al. 

I'm really nervous about this, I don't really know how to write properly, what if I make tons of grammar errors, will you judge me then? I know you used to write for the school paper before everything changed and your columns were always flawless so...  
Alright, you caught me, I am indeed procrastinating. I can't help it. 

I should just start. 

Well, here goes nothing.

You should probably know that I've transferred schools. I am not continuing at North Valley High, where we shared one year together. Instead, I thought it'd be better if I went to Midvale High for my sophomore year. It's still in our school district, so no problems there, in case you might wonder. Its allure comes from the fact that no one there really knows me and my story. 

Or you.

Anyways, Eliza was surprised, to say the least. She had hoped I would continue at North Valley since this year she would finally get to be my Chem teacher. Remember how we used to make plans that I would study really hard so I could go to the advanced class with you, taught by mom and the three of us would be together? Yeah...so much for a promise, I guess. 

I made up my mind during summer and, I don't know why, but I haven't said a word to my friends back at NVH. I know they will deserve an explanation once they come back and don't find me sitting next to them in class or when my name never gets called for attendance. I know it'll only take a single phone call to break the news, but I just can't bring myself to dial the numbers. I tried a couple of times over the last few weeks, but I got frozen instead. 

I don't think a lot of them will actually be affected by my absence, although I'm pretty sure Kate, Harley, and Ivy might miss me the most. They were always such good friends to me. I remember when you first met them that day when we were playing spy in the backyard and Ivy hit you with that paper-ball-turned-bullet. I know you cried when it hit your arm but it was so funny, Al. I guess it's partly why you got along with them so well; they loved your dramatic reaction and grew fond of you ever since.   
I know I should call them but I just-

Good news, though; while mom was unmistakably sad about my leaving, she supported me a lot. She even drove me to Midvale High so I could enroll there before classes started.  
Speaking of classes, they already start next week and I am completely dreading it. I've always loved the beginnings of school years, but this time is different, 'cause you're not here to go with me. I'm going to miss the warmth of your presence, ever so comforting and grounding. I still can't forget that time I was too scared to go to my new school with my new adoptive sister. I didn't know anyone, not even you. I was terrified, and I made a scene by being a scaredy-cat. And everyone laughed. Your friends laughed. But you didn't. Instead, you held my head and strutted with me along the hallways, your head proudly held high. You gave me so much courage. And I don't even know why you did that - we barely knew each other, I had just invaded your home and you had every reason not to like me.   
I should really try harder to get used to not having you here, I am sorry. 

In the meantime, I hope this letter serves you well. I'm pretty sure you're not gonna read it but, on the off chance that you do, I just wanted to say that I miss you dearly, and there hasn't been one day since it happened that you haven't crossed my mind. 

Eliza misses you too. She doesn't like to show it too much though - I can tell she's trying to be strong enough for the both of us. But I think she's starting to slip again and I'm scared. You know how bad she got after Jeremiah- sorry, old habit - dad went missing. She's trying to hide it from me, but I can smell her breath in the evenings when she kisses me goodnight and I swear it only gets stronger. I don't know what to do, Alex. I wish I were as sensitive and smart as you were. You always knew what to do in times like these. You always knew how to make Eliza smile. You always knew how to make me smile. 

Why can't I be like that too?

All my love,   
Kara


	2. Tuesday

Dear Alex,

I know I should probably listen to what Mr. Wells - my Science teacher - is saying, especially since it's only day two of classes, but I can't seem to focus. I was doing considerably fine, but then this blue butterfly landed on the window right next to me and it brought me back to that warm summer day when you took me to the overlook just outside of Midvale. It was almost eight p.m., but the sun was still strong on the horizon, spraying little paths of light across the cotton candy sky. 

We could see everything from there, the entire city and its neighbors. We could see the other mountains across from the one we were on. We could see the baseball field packed with High School students and their families cheering them on. We could see a big line forming outside of the Drive-In - that night was set to show The Breakfast Club, after all. We could see the lamp posts slowly start to flicker on, as the moon continued its ascendence and the sun slowly started to disappear, far from gone still. We could see the park in all its glory, full of green. It's sad to think that it's not as green today as it used to be.

Do you remember that day? It was after a particularly bad fight between Eliza and Jeremiah. It hadn't even been a year since I had been with you guys and I was already causing so much trouble. I know you think you sheltered me from the muffled screams that day, but I heard what they were fighting about; money. More specifically, spending money they didn't have because of me. I put on a smile and played along with you because you seemed so eager to spend time with me when insisting we went out, but my heart ached for a long time after that. I never planned on disrupting your family like that, on being but a burden to you guys. I wanted to feel loved and to love back. And to help out as best as I could, not to cause trouble as I did. 

I know how much you had to sacrifice in order to keep me with you guys and I appreciate it, I really do, but, Alex, I wish you would have talked to me about it. We were supposed to tell each other everything, even the bad stuff. But you held that part in instead of sharing it with me and I wish I knew why. I am only stressing this because it drove a wedge between us at the start and how I wish it hadn't. Thankfully, though, we moved past it. 

Right, where was I? Ah, yes. So we were going out, only the two of us for the first time and, although I was sad about the fight, I also couldn't help feeling extremely excited to be going out with you. I couldn't wait to see where you were driving us but, frankly, nothing could have prepared me for the sheer joy I would experience that night. 

I felt like I never had before. Watching that sunset and listening to you telling me stories about yourself, getting to know you and you getting to know me and listening to your personal playlist, which you never shared with anyone - well, but me. I finally understood what it meant to have a sister, a best friend, even. Someone who would always be there for me, no matter what. And you were, Al. I can't even compare the bond we formed to the one I had with my friends back at NVH. As much as I like Harley, Ivy, and Kate, we were never that close. And you were so much more than I could have asked for. 

That was the day you introduced me to my favorite band, Joy Division. So many of their songs were featured in your playlist it was impossible not to notice how much you adored them. We were halfway through a Smiths song when your face suddenly lit up as you told me how I would love Joy Division, considering I was really into The Smiths. You said their sounds complemented each other. And god, how right you were. 

As soon as the first beat for She's Lost Control reached my ears, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling I am yet to find good enough words for. It was unlike any other sound I had ever heard. His voice was like no other I had ever heard. And the vibe it gave off, it was just mesmerizing. Everything fit together perfectly. At that moment, it was as if drums and guitars had only been invented to one day be part of Ian Curtis' music. 

And the lyrics - Oh, the lyrics. They were something else. They spoke to me in a way that hardly any other song was capable of. I don't know who she from the song is, but I do know we had a lot in common back then. I'm afraid we might have even more now. 

I could see in your eyes that you also had a lot in common with her. While the song was playing, something different flashed through your eyes. It was fleetingly subtle, your demeanor having changed the slightest bit, but still, I caught it. I don't think most people would have, because I don't think most of your friends really cherished you for the amazing person you were. I think you were constantly taken for granted and it took a piece of you each time it happened.  
That's what I thought I saw in your eyes that night - neglect, sadness. 

Maybe it was a cry for help and I failed to understand the message. If so, I sincerely apologize, Al. I wish I could have been smarter by then. Maybe I would have given it more thought instead of just shaking it off, thinking it had only been in my head. You were already showing signs of how messed up and lost you were and we all just took it for granted. We were no better than those stupid high school kids at NVH. 

You were, much like the girl in the song, losing control.

I wish I could ask you what that felt like because I think I too might be starting to lose control and I am both terrified and intrigued by it. 

I want to keep talking to you, but Mr. Wells is starting to notice that I'm not paying attention in class, so I should go.

One last thing, Harley keeps texting me asking where I’m at because I ‘missed’ the first few days of school at North Valley High. I told her I transferred and when she asked me why I didn’t know what to tell her. 

I don’t even know what to tell myself.

All my love,  
Kara

*

SHE'S LOST CONTROL (Joy Division)

Confusion in her eyes that says it all.  
She's lost control.  
And she's clinging to the nearest passer by,  
She's lost control.  
And she gave away the secrets of her past,  
And said I've lost control again,  
And a voice that told her when and where to act,  
She said I've lost control again.  
And she turned around and took me by the hand and said,  
I've lost control again.  
And how I'll never know just why or understand,  
She said I've lost control again.  
And she screamed out kicking on her side and said,  
I've lost control again.  
And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd die.  
She said I've lost control.  
She's lost control again.  
She's lost control.  
She's lost control again.  
She's lost control.  
Well I had to 'phone her friend to state my case,  
And say she's lost control again.  
And she showed up all the errors and mistakes,  
And said I've lost control again.  
But she expressed herself in many different ways,  
Until she lost control again.  
And walked upon the edge of no escape,  
And laughed I've lost control.  
She's lost control again.  
She's lost control.  
She's lost control again.  
She's lost control.


	3. Thursday

Dear Alex,

I need to tell you about this girl in my Advanced Chemistry class, the one I am attending with Junior students like we planned I'd do with you and Mom.   
Firstly though, I’m sorry I forgot to write to you this past week, I had way more homework than I anticipated. Also, my second week is nearly at the end and nothing too exciting happened to tell you. Just your regular high school drama, clicks here, clicks there, et cetera. 

This girl's crazy smart, just like you. I can tell she always knows the answers to the teacher's questions, but she never volunteers to speak. She sat relatively close to me last week and again today, so I caught a glimpse of her notebook. It's filled with important notes about the subject, even with more advanced content than what we are going to cover this semester. I think you might have hit it off with her. 

Her bag is filled with all these different books, both literary classics and subjects like advanced chemistry and bioengineering. They look completely out of my league, out of most-students-from-our-school's league, as a matter of fact. 

Her presence is so strong too. When she walks into the class it's like the fake life filter that seems to be everywhere around here finally comes off and we’re left with this honest, raw energy. Everyone seems to kinda shift gears when they recognize her entering. Her gaze is captivating, her features are delicate yet tough, and her hair, a raven-colored mantle of lusciousness.   
I still don't know her name because attendance hasn’t started yet, but it's only week two. I don't have any friends here so, hopefully, she might be one to fill that position. I know that I don't really know this girl, but I feel this strong pull towards her. I sense we might hit it off too. I don't really see her with many people outside of class. Scratch that, I actually don’t see much of her outside of class at all. On the few occasions I do, she's either with a few of the popular kids from senior year or just chilling by herself, usually with a book in her hands.   
There was this one day during break this week, I was outside sitting on the bleachers quietly unwrapping my snack and observing the sea of bodies displayed in front of me when I noticed her. She was sitting on the lawn, her hands behind her, sustaining the weight of her body as she leaned back to soak up the rays of sunshine spreading about. She looked magnificent, almost ethereal. I swear the moment was so beautiful it might as well have been captured by soft paint strokes over a canvas and displayed on the wall of some important museum. I felt strongly compelled to go and talk to her, but she looked so peaceful in her moment of glory I wouldn't dare disturb her. 

My admiration for her grew so rapidly it came as a shock when I overheard a couple of girls chatting in the bathroom. They were talking about her. I knew it was her because they mentioned the clothes she was wearing - a science shirt with the word ‘sarcasm’ spelled out with elements from the periodic table, and black Doc Martens over see-through socks. Apparently, they didn't know her name either, because they kept going back and forth between two possible surnames for her - Thorul and Luthor. They sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Who knows, maybe one of those is actually her last name. What they did seem to know very well though were the very serious rumors about her. 

They were commenting on the girl's love life, more specifically, her sex life. Rumour has it she “only looks shy and mysterious, but when she's at parties, she gets massively wasted, lets loose and hooks up with anyone with a pulse.” They even hinted at her having an affair with this one teacher who, apparently, turns quite a lot of heads in the school. 

First of all, I'd like to say that even if that's actually true, it is no one's business but her own. Second of all, I found it extremely rude and childish for them to be gossiping and slut-shaming another girl like that. They used some pretty pejorative vocabulary when referring to her and it bothered me deeply. Not only because I seem to admire this mystery girl, but because she is another girl, for crying out loud. Where is their sense of sorority? We gotta have each other's backs, not attack each other. The world is hard enough with the toxic masculinity weighing us down, we don’t need women conforming to stupid generalizations about ‘erratic behavior’ too. Jesus Christ, Alex, I get now what you were talking about when you said High School students tend to act even more childlike than actual children.   
I figured I would come across this kind of behavior, only not during the first few weeks of class. I have also already witnessed some lowkey levels of bullying (mostly name-calling). It repulses me that people actually feel pleasure in shaming and degrading others like that. I often wonder if these people are actually hurting as well and if so, I think about what could have hurt them so much they feel the need to hurt others. What messed them up this bad, what broke them like this that made them want to break other people too?

I'm sorry if this is a sore subject for you, I know how much you struggled with these kinds of things and it might have been insensitive of me to just comment on it like it's no big deal. We never really talked much about it and I wonder why. It's just I get so angry. I can't explain it properly, but rage suddenly fills every fiber of my being, and nothing matters while it lasts. That's what I felt when I heard them talking about her; I felt enraged. How can teenagers not see how cruel they are being? Or do they see it and just not care at all? I think the latter might be worse. 

I promised myself I wouldn't be judgemental and I am trying, really hard. But with people like these, it seems close to impossible. 

But fear not, dear sister, I will give teenagers another chance. In fact, contrary to that obnoxious bathroom talk, I actually overheard this guy during break today talking about how he's arranged for the Drive-In to play his grandmother's favorite movie the other weekend since it's her birthday. Maybe not all hope is lost, after all. 

I wonder what his grandma’s favorite movie is and I hope she loves the surprise. I am actually considering going there to watch it too. I feel like I need to be around good energy like that for a change. 

All my love,  
Kara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello, thanks for reading guys, have a good one and good luck to us all since this Sunday we have Supercorp at Lena's place FCKN HOLDING HANDS, GEEZ


	4. Friday

Dear Alex,

We had a pretty interesting History class this week on Monday. Our teacher's name is John Henshaw. He's so captivating and he has so much knowledge, not only about Earth history, but about the history of the universe and all the different planets too. He's especially fond of Mars and everything about it.

For his second class, which was this week, he had us all talk about something that intrigues us and pushes us to learn more. Naturally, he spoke about his amazement towards the universe's history and a lot about Mars. We even had a round of sharing our theories about life there and how its inhabitants must look like.

Mr. Henshaw seems to think there are two kinds of Martians; green ones and white ones. He says they're likely both shapeshifters and also have amazing ability with mind-reading and connecting their minds to each other's - or, as he called it, ‘psychic bonding’.

I wonder if there's actually life on Mars and if he's right about their division. If so, I wonder if they all get along fine or if they fight as much as humans do on Earth. I wonder if they destroy each other and their planet over petty reasons such as who has more power or more money like we do.

I seriously hope they don't.

Anyways, nothing big happened after that except for today. Today we had English class with Cat Grant. She's absolutely remarkable, but I'll tell you about her later. Now, I need to talk to you about Skye.  
I'm completely freaking out, 'cuz I might have just found a potential friend in her and I'm scared of acting weird and scaring her away. I know that it is only the end of my second week here and I still have 3 more years and I shouldn't feel rushed to meet people, but I liked her and I really hope we can be friends.

Skye has hazel eyes and long blonde hair and the back of it is dyed in a color I can't find a more suitable word for other than mermaid-like. It's a color that resembles blue and green at the same time, but not quite either of them. If you don't stare at it for too long, it's almost turquoise. She really looks like a mermaid. And I'm not even joking. She has that kind of beauty that's not obvious, you know? It’s not like a model who you look at and everyone immediately agrees is attractive. She’s just her.

Anyways, Skye is really smart, as it seems. She always volunteers to answer, but she always waits until no one else has offered to, maybe because she doesn't want to look like the teacher's pet or something. Or maybe because she doesn't want to be seen as the know-it-all who never lets anyone else answer. Either way, I think it's really nice of her.

It happened when I was trying to pay attention to the very boring video Miss Grant had playing for us through the projector. It wasn't even her fault though, it was just one of those welcome videos from the school, made by the Principal herself - Lauren Haley - wishing us a great year and all. Even Miss Grant had a look of sheer boredom on her face.

So there I was, trying hard to stay awake when a piece of paper got thrown on my desk, the movement so subtle I don't think anyone else noticed it but me.

When I opened it, there was a beautifully handwritten message in a stunning yellow. It was a comment on how the Principal's tie looked like a Christmas tree because of its color scheme. I immediately looked up at the video and almost let out a loud laugh at how accurate the comment was. It did indeed look like a Christmas tree - and a very decorated one at that. Then, confusion hit me. I stopped to think about who might've sent me the paper, as I don't have any friends there yet, so I just assumed it wasn't originally for me and that someone had mistakenly passed it on to me.

However, not 5 minutes went by when I received a second note. It was the same yellow handwriting and it contained the name of my secret messenger; Skye. I immediately put the name to the girl with dyed hair, as I'd heard someone calling her by her name before. She wrote about how I probably thought it'd been a mistake and how the note really was for me. She then proceeded to make more jokes about the Principal's looks and asked my name. I wrote to her that I almost laughed out loud at her comment and told her my name. I also added a little joke, so she wouldn't think I was being unfriendly. She didn't write back after that, so I just assumed she gave up on me.

To my surprise, Skye was waiting for me outside at the end of class. She introduced herself - properly this time - as did I and we got to talking. She said she'd seen me eating alone by the bleachers and asked whether I wanted to eat with her and her friends on Monday. I was so excited I forgot I had to answer when the bell rang and we had to part ways for our next classes. I hope she didn't take my silence as a no, because I’m really looking forward to making friends.

I am so anxious, Alex, I don't know how to behave or what to say or not to say. You would know how to calm me and you’d patiently walk me through what to do. You’d tell me to be myself and just enjoy the moment, but the thing is I am not so sure I want them to know the Kara you knew. Maybe I should try to act differently. Maybe I shouldn't wear my regular clothes, they are so simple and boring. Would you mind if I borrowed something from you? Maybe your black leather jacket, the one with the patches from Nirvana, Joy Division, and Bikini Kill. I know it won't look half as good on me as it did on you, but at least it'll remind me of you.

And who knows, maybe it'll give me the confidence you used to have. Maybe my new friends will think I am as cool as you. I know it's not likely, seeing as they never met you, but maybe they won't get a bad first impression on me. Maybe they'll like me, the same way everyone liked you when they first met you.

Maybe.

All my love,  
Kara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guyss, I don't know how you feel about original characters, but I really hope you don't give up on this if you're not fond of them. Feel free (and encouraged) to comment your opinions so I know whether you're enjoying this or not. And I'm sorry about any writing mistakes, English isn't my first language, so there's that. 
> 
> ALSO, I know you're not getting much of Lena, but I promise she's not far from making an appearance.


End file.
